Replaced by "Who should I start at wide receiver this week" as mankind’s leading question for God. (Note: The following article is a work of fiction and for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to people, places or events is purely coincidental. Seriously. I swear.)

ESPN brass applied the finishing touches to a radical paradigm shift on Monday afternoon, formally dropping the antiquated "Worldwide Leader In Sports" tag the network has brandished since its infancy in favor of a more modern, viewer-friendly slogan, "ESPN -- All Yelling, All the Time."  Read on for the details.