Let's just come right out and say it – The first weekend of the NFL playoffs are useless. Think of it like the NCAA basketball "Play-In" Game. Times four. It's something nice to stick on the resume. "Yeah, remember the '07-'08 season, when we made the playoffs? We were on TV. Joe Buck said my name. It was neato."

So, thanks for coming, Tampa Bay. Grab a t-shirt on the way out Tennessee. Pittsburgh and Washington? Plucky and admirable, but you're still heading to the couch. It's disappointment on par with seeing a Joe Jackson tune on a Taco Bell commercial. Time for the real games.

Obviously, since we're doing a thorough, comprehensive examination of the divisional playoff games, we're going to have to bust out the 2008 debut of the Crystal High Life bottle.

Seattle Something-or-others vs. Green Bay Favreruhs

Why does watching Seattle play always make me feel so … mediocre? It's like, they're always there in the playoffs. They're always pretty good, but not THAT good. They're going to win a lot of games, but not anything important. Call me east coast biased, I can take it. But someone explain the Seattle Seahawks to me? Why are they always … there? Why do they remind me of the mailman? Always reliable, always steady, but never really impressing me? Why would I ever think about rooting for a team whose kicker needs to wear heated pants?

On the other hand, or on the same hand if you're a victim of a crazy industrial accident, why is it so stunning to think maybe, kinda, sorta, Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre is having a spectacular season through not-so-natural causes? I'm 30 and play co-ed softball. I play for an hour, three times a night, and the next morning I feel like Rampage Jackson got really mad at me. Not that I have any proof at all, but I'd like to have this in writing in case somewhere down the line I'm proven right and can brag to my friends I called it. And they won't care at all. PACKERS 31-24.

Jacksonville Jolies vs. New England Key Grips

The Jags are everyone's sweetie-dahling this week. The hot A-List pick, if you will. Oooh, the Jags can run the ball. Oooh, they are built for cold weather. Oooh, they wear black pants.

Here's the small ish, guys. They're playing a team that just won every game they played this year.

A point of order… I am very much a Patriots fan, but there's no way I see them losing this game. They have shown me and a few other people that they can win different types of games. Can they be run on? Sure. Can they be scored on? Yup. Can they be given a scare? No doubt. They are not flawless. Well, except for being 16-0. That has no real flaws. And Tom Brady is dating Giselle Bundchen. No flaws there. PATRIOTS 41-17.

San Diego WhineyCrybabyPoopypants vs. Indianapolis Zzzzzzsss

The Chargers have gone from a possible juggernaut to an average, unlikable bunch. Something about quarterback Philip Rivers makes you want to punch him in the lips. What pro quarterback heads out on the field and taunts the opposing QB, as Rivers and fellow meathead Shaune Phillips did to Denver's Jay Cutler? Rivers said he never said anything to Cutler. Rivers obviously doesn't know Youtube.com and common sense exist today. Expect more whining when they wipe the Elmer's from their helmets after this pasting. COLTS 37-17.

New York Football Deities vs. Dallas Romo-Simpsons

You have no idea how equally relieving and maddening it is for me not to be related to Jessica Simpson. Let's just leave it at that.

Now, how come Tom Brady can date smoking hot, famous women and keep it on the DL, but Tony Romo just can't seem to get his butterfingers out of the paparazzi spotlight? I get it, you're dating Jessica Simpson. No argument here. But do you have to make it so obvious? It clearly affected your play against Washington on December 30th, with Jessie playing "Annoying Girlfriend" in the owner's box. You're trying to win a Super Bowl. You have the team that can do it. You have the memory of last year's whoopsie daisy against Seattle where you couldn't handle the snap. Maybe you might wanna think about shooting her a text and telling her chill out until February 4th at the earliest. Think she digs you know? See what you get with a shiny, new ring.

Here's a fun fact: Did you know that if you do so much as rush for an eight yard gain and you play football in New York, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will get your name tattooed on their hindquarters and you'll be recommended for sainthood. GIANTS 21-17.