Who's my pick to represent the Western Conference in the NBA Finals? The Phoenix Suns.

I haven't thought that since my Saturdays were ruined with the cancellation of "Saved By The Bell" (1993, to be exact, the same year the Charles Barkley-led Suns played Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls in the NBA Finals).

Here's my breakdown of the only Western Conference teams worthy of print, matching each team with a SBTB character.

I'll begin by anointing the Dallas Mavericks the Rod Belding of the NBA. Not Mister Belding, the Principal – that's Richard – but his brother. Rod was the younger, long-haired hipster – think Dirk Nowitzki when he had longer hair – who promised to take Zack Morris and the gang on a weekend rafting trip, only to bail on them at the last minute after meeting a stewardess. Rod had let his big brother down, but more importantly, he let the gang down. And nobody does that to Zack Morris (and gets away with it). Rod was never mentioned in any other episode. The Mavericks were my pick to win it all at the beginning of last season. They were also my pick at the All-Star break, my pick at the end of the season and my pick all the way up until the end of game five. They lost in five games. In the first round. That's barely putting up a fight. Utter embarrassment. Like Rod Belding, let us never speak of the Mavericks again.

Picking the San Antonio Spurs to win the West is like predicting Zack Morris would learn his lesson after the end of an episode. Just wake us when the Western Conference Finals begin, where the Spurs will be meeting the Suns. There's not much else to say about the Spurs, other than that they're the least talked about dynasty in the history of sports and Greg Popovich the least mentioned of great coaches. Four titles (and counting) for the Spurs but they still don't have as many rings as Robert Horry. Big Shot Bob looks like a starry night when he bedecks his fingers with his championship rings, all seven of them. Crazy. They should make a special wing in the Hall of Fame just for him. (He's one of only nine players in NBA History with seven or more rings but the only one who never played for the Celtics in the 1960s.)

So who will Zack/Spurs be dancing with at the prom?

We all know it'll be Kelly Kapowski, aka the Phoenix Suns. The high-octane Suns were "only" second last year in field goals made, behind the Golden State Warriors, but made up for it by having made eighty more threes than the second most team, which was also the Warriors. If Grant Hill can give the Suns 25 minutes a night, that's a huge addition to a team that took the Spurs to the brink last season and might give the Suns SEVEN players this season to average double-digits in points per game. (They had six last year: Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, Amare Stoudemire, Leandro Barbosa, Raja Bell and Boris Diaw). If this team stays in shape like Kelly Kapowski, there's every reason to believe this will finally be the year for them. It kinda has to be, since there's a good chance free-agent-to-be Shawn Marion won't be with the team next season. Rest the knees of Amare Carsares Stoudemire (what kind of middle name is that?); the Suns are going to need him to bang with the big boys come playoff time.

The Denver Nuggets might have the most interesting team in the league. Up until last year's Cavs team, I always thought the 2000-01 76ers were the worst team I ever saw make the NBA Finals. That team was literally all Allen Iverson. He deserves to play with great players, and he has one in Carmelo Anthony and a great defender in Marcus Camby, the reigning Defensive Player of the Year and three-time League Leader in Block Shots Per Game (that's two more than Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal, David Robinson and Patrick Ewing have in their careers combined). Camby led the league last year with 3.3 blocks per game, but no other teammate of his averaged even a single block per game. That will most likely change this season if Kenyon Martin can stay healthy. That goes for Camby, too. I've loved his game since he was a freshman at UMass but he's built like Screeh and last year was only the second time in his 11 year career that he played at least 70 games (he played 70 exactly). Let's face it, the Nuggets can flex their muscles all they want, like a certain Mr. Albert Clifford Slater (that's A.C. to you and me) used to, but in the end, though they may win the division, the A.C. Slater Nuggets are still only paired with Jessie Spano, which brings us to the Utah Jazz …

If any team is to be compared to the brainy, leggy, valedictorian Jessie Spano, it would have to be the Utah Jazz. Since Jerry Sloan took over coaching the Jazz 17 games into the 1988-89 season, they've had only one season in which they lost more games than they won, in 2004-05, when they finished dead last in their division at 26-56. Their compensation? The next Jason Kidd, Deron Williams, whom they took with the third pick in the '05 draft. I don't know what surprised me more: 1) That the goody-goody Jessie Spano was caught abusing caffeine pills so she could keep up with her studying and singing “career”; or 2) The Utah Jazz made the Western Conference Finals last year. Zack kissed every girl worth mentioning on "Saved By The Bell" and the Jazz making the West Conference Finals last year was like when Jessie finally got the chance to kiss Zack (after school, during rehearsal for the play "Snow White"). The Jazz even managed to win a game from the Spurs, which was more than the Cavs could do, but I'm sorry Jazz fans, it's never about Jessie.

There's not a better match for the flashy, all style, little substance Lisa Turtle than the Los Angeles Kobes, I mean, Lakers. Odom's a nice, do-everything player and bringing back Derek Fischer and the tenacity he brings was a great decision by the front office. I'm also a huge Andrew Bynum fan; a legit seven footer and it's hard to believe that he's just twenty years old. But he's a few years away, and the Lakers might not even have Kobe by the time Bynum is an All-Star (which he will be). Lisa had her chance with Zack; they were a couple when the show ended with them graduating high school. But then Lisa Turtle split from Shaq, er, I mean Zack, and Zack went on to make us laugh, cry and believe in life again in "Saved By The Bell: The College Years." Lisa made a few cameos on the 'College Years,' much like the cameo appearances the Lakers have made in the playoffs the last few years (they haven't won a playoff series since Shaq left in 2004). The Lakers will survive in the playoffs for about as long as a Lisa Turtle spin-off would last on television.

If the Lakers are Lisa Turtle, that makes the LA Clippers Samuel 'Screech' Powers. They have one of the most underrated players in the NBA in Elton Brand (think the Bulls are regretting that trade? Brian Skinner and the rights to Tyson Chandler, who's now on the Hornets, straight up for Brand) and if Sam Cassell can stay on the court, the Clippers will make the playoffs, maybe even as high as a five seed. I could even see them winning a playoff series, something the franchise had never done until beating the Nuggets in five games in the first round of 2005-06 (before losing in the next round to the Suns in seven). If shut-down defender Sean Livingston (and only 22!) wasn't hurt with what some have called the "worst knee injury in the history of basketball" (it was so bad, doctors at first told him they would have to amputate his left leg below the knee), the Clippers could conceivably make it all the way to the Conference Finals. Without him, like Screech, the Clippers will hang around and make some noise, before finding a way to goof it up. Let's get real; in or outside of L.A., no one takes the Clippers seriously. They let up more points than they scored last year and only two teams forced less turnovers than they did; and they were dead last in turnovers forced the year before. If you're not creating turnovers, you have to force things to happen, and we all know what happens when Screech is forced into situations.

Lastly, there's the Houston Rockets, the "Tori" of the league. Tori was the girl they brought in to replace Kelly after TAT (that's Tiffani Amber Thiessen, to you and me) left during the show 's last year. I just don't know what to make of the Rockets. For all of Tracy McGrady's talents, he's never won even a single playoff series. (T-Mac was one of only five players in the NBA last year to average at least five assists and five rebounds per game. See if you can guess who the other four are; answers at the bottom.) I've always thought that Yao Ming was too soft, but he shut me up last year by averaging an even 25.0 points per game. But this team, like Tori, will always be an afterthought until they win at least a playoff series, something they haven't done since the star-studded 1996-97 team (Hakeem Olajuwon, Clyde Drexler, and Barkley, who averaged 13.5 rebounds that year!; they lost in the Western Conference Finals in six games to the Jazz).

Will this finally be the year the Phoenix Suns get past the Spurs? If the Kelly Kapowski Suns have anything to do with it, this might just be the year she steals the show away from the Zack Morris Spurs.

** Players to average at least five rebounds and five assists per game last season:

(Key: Points per game, Rebounds per game, Assists per game)
Jason Kidd: 13.0, 8.2, 9.2
Andre Iguodala: 18.2, 5.7, 5.7
LeBron James: 27.3, 6.7, 6.0
Kobe Bryant: 31.6, 5.7, 5.4
Tracy McGrady: 24.6, 5.3, 6.5